The Gingerbread Man

mister pirate
you've hijacked my ship
and stolen my chest of common cents

one more LOL after every of your sentences...and i'll give you a good LOL! a good LASHING OUT LOUD!

i don't know how it works in the financial world, but i assume that with every investment that you make, you expect it to be rewarding at some point in the future. and i believe that this theory works with every aspect of your life.

so what do you do when you come to realise that the returns of your emotional investments are everything but worthwhile? do you stop investing and withdraw everything that you've put in? or do you continue and hope that somehow all the time and effort that you put in might somehow hit an upslope and benefit you?

of course in an emotional investment, you shouldn't have you sights already set on the returns because thats just not right. sometimes you do things selflessly and inside, unconsciously, hope that someday when you really need it, it'd be returned in kind. but when it doesnt, what does it mean? does it mean that you've chosen wrong stocks to invest in? or were you expecting a greater value when it hadn't any to begin with? who's at fault here? the invester for having great expectations, or the investee for being a dud?

regardless, it is just disappointing. i am really not such a good judge of worthwhile investments than i thought i was. i've stubbornly led myself to believe that any person can be cultivated into a good investment if i put the time and effort and i've come to realise that many people, myself included, live for their ownselves.how do you benefit from throwing into a sinkhole?

its strange, that is. i've cultivated a whole theory about the fallacy of expectations when it comes to partners so much so that i hardly expect anything from them so as to avoid all sorts of disappointments. in that same manner, i give very little and perhaps somehow breed disappointment on their end. but with friends, perhaps i expect too much. maybe this closeness that i'm feeling really is a one-sided thing. maybe i'm just an idiot who thinks that someone i only just met for months would do for me what they would only do for someone they know for over 10 years.

i don't know what i should do. is it all too clinical? am i really just a sociopathic fool? perhaps i can start by severing emotions from my facial expressions, expectations from my head, and thought from my heart.

i should just be a goddamn robot.

he said i'm fucking craving u
i mustered a halfsmile. is that just sex you're thinking of?
i wish you wouldn't be so vulgar.
it makes me feel vulnerable.

the funny thing about over exposure is that it can mean you're seeing too little and too much at the same time

I had built barriers around to protect meself. I believed that if I had him in my heart I didn’t need anything else. I closed myself off from everyone else. I’ve turned superhuman I get what I want, or so I thought, it was my construction. I’ve forgotten the word the one that matters the one that connects the one that creates. Today everything changed when from inside my fortress a tragic betrayal I never thought would happen.

 

I realize now just what I’d become-an incredible shadow that’s just what I am. Not because I chose to see my lie, but because the Him crumbled inside. The image I had—innocent, divine-had walked away smiling, with an ugly queen in his arms.

 

I’m left with a castle without my lover the barriers are strong, but the heart is weak. It seems that all these time I’ve built not a fortress, but an intricate prison, an ornate tomb.

 

You never seemed so vicious, so heartless, ever before. Today I realized that you always were—it’s only because I saw you differently I’ve crowned you king with a jeweled creation, its grandiosity my imagination. I’ve created an unparallel dreamscape to live in, how do I turn it off, where do I start?

 

I’ve resolved to never be hurt and it works, only I never saw it was hurting myself. To lay bare my heart to air out its chambers to do some housecleaning I think will be good. The question remains still large and looming. Where do I start? Where do I start?

 

I wish I were 12, in the throes of innocence to get hurt again, the feeling the rush. But I’m jaded, I’m hardened I’ve built a labyrinth when I wanted a garden of birds. I’m feeling the hurt, but this hurt really hurts. The walls can feel every blow I hurl. It hurts its hurts oh goddamn this pain never should anyone feel like this.

 

I’m lost in Australia, away from friends and families and lovers and all that I care. It’s cold, I’m alone I’ve essays to write, I’ve houses to rent and work to find. Love, you are god, are you not? Can you give me a hug? Am I still forgivable? I hope I am I need a hug. To start a new journey, one without walls, prisons or fear of love, yes love. I’ve said it now, I’ll say it again.

 

Where do I start? Where do I start?  

I felt the icy winds

Chilling my skin

Alone as I left the club

Looked left looked right

I walked somewhere

Each step in front of the other

I couldn’t hear the world

I couldn’t hear my voice

I only heard his eyes

His voice and his crotch scent

I heard a moment of connection

In the sound

That my heart made

Thud thud thud thud thud thud

But I only felt colder

Knowing that I fell I love

In a moment of lust

I don’t even know his name

and finally, with much difficulty, i have concluded that i do have many issues and i need to see a psychologist.

there is no greater motivational force than the propulsion that springs from the love of another

but with it comes the realization that there is so much to be done

and the desperation of being caught in a vivid impatience

so, 4 months or so ago, i started going to the gym again and had set myself a goal of 70kgs after a drastic drop from 70 to 63kgs after a long period of inactivity.

as of a couple days ago, i weighed 70kgs on an empty stomach.

next up, 78kgs of pure lean muscle.

possible? don't care. just eat and gym!!! rarhhh!!!

i've been thinking a lot lately. don't snigger.

( Read more... )

its like a prism where white light splits into a rainbow:
only this rainbow have converged into utter darkness, a baffling nothing, a mathematical impossibility
why does it disappear? where does it go?

i wish there was someone here to discover this fantastic phenomenon with me
to help me find the missing rainbow
and it pull it back up among my stars.

wikipedia-

Sperm washing is a term used to describe the process in which individual sperm are separated from the seminal fluid by spinning it in a centrifuge. The Sperm are then used in intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization.

Sperm washing is a standard procedure used in infertility treatment, however, starting in the mid-1990s it was adopted to help HIV discordant couples conceive without passing the virus from the father to the mother or child ^[1]. The idea is that when the male is HIV positive it will reduce the risk of transmission to the female.

The HIV infection is carried by the seminal fluid rather than the sperm. For years there were lingering doubts about the safety of the procedure, and many couples had to travel to locales that would do the prodecure, such as Italy. Today, hundreds of babies have been born through this process.

Sperm washing was first used in Milan, Italy and has so far resulted in no female becoming HIV positive. The oldest child conceived using this method is now about 11 and is HIV negative. The first known American baby, Baby Ryan was born in 1999 ^[2] through the Special Program of Assisted Reproduction started by Dr. Ann Kiessling.

more information at http://americanradioworks.publicradio.org/features/evading_virus/howworks.html

this is NOT academic and there have been no research whatsoever.

our world in its entirety is a dichotomy of dualities:
we have light & darkness, heat & cold, life & death... good and evil

there has been philosophies that these opposing elements are in fact not of equal standing and instead:
darkness is the absence of light as darkness cannot be controlled as light can (think dimmer switch)
cold is the absence of heat as cold cannot be controlled as heat can (air-conditioning removes heat through condensation, not 'adds' cold somehow)
death is the absence of life as death cannot be manipulated as life can (CPR to revive someone on the verge of death)

in all probability, we could suppose evil is the absence of good
because evil cannot be controlled as good can.

in these examples, the inverse cannot be true (i.e. there is no perpetual light souce that can be controlled with a darkness dimmer switch, air-conditioning does not create cold and CPR wouldn't work on a week-old corpse.)

make sense? but what would that mean?

there is a conscious intentional good/heat/light/life that can be modified in intensity, and the resulting evil/cold/darkness/death will be in inverse proportion that depends on the intensity of good/heat/light/life.

now, throw in the bible:

Satan was cast out of heaven and away from the goodness of God
by virtue of being in total absence from good, he defaults to total evil

we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God, or as sinners, we cannot be in the presence of God
by virtue of being absent from good, we default to evil

likewise
if it is raining and you are removed from the umbrella,
by virtue of being cast out, you get drenched.

the act of getting drenched cannot be helped, it comes along with getting cast out.
similarly, defaulting to evil cannot be helped. it comes when God goes.

how then, can the phrase 'evil intention' have any meaning?
how then, can 'evil' be defined as 'wicked and malicious' if it is intrinsically just the absence of good and without any intent?
lets detach all stereotypical notions we have of evil and look at it from a neutral perspective

can i therefore say,
evil, as a state, cannot be created
it is merely there as a result of the absence of good
evil, as a state, cannot have intention
it exists as a inversely proportionate dependency on the intensity of the intention of good, instead

can i therefore safely assume that the Satan we know, as a creature (a create) of wicked intent CANNOT exist?

where does this lead us? are my assumptions logically unsound?

oh so much to think about!
to be continued...

i vividly remember being a candidate for a very high profile job and i was forced to choose between that job and being true about my sexuality.

i chose the latter, and promptly became invisible.

in retrospect, all that pride did not get me anywhere far. i may have been true to myself, but that affirmation was something i did not desperately need, in contrast to getting a job that could have changed my life.

i think about it now and then, not in regret, but rather fascinated about how much different i would have been:

just another closet gay guy. could i have lived with myself?

no. but i would've had the power to do much more on a social scale and the potential in that far outweighs personal pride.

regardless, i'll find a way there somehow.

god bless australia!

i learnt a couple of new things today, things i believe a lot of people discover about themselves much earlier. i am, of course, retarded in that department. first and foremost, i think i now know the importance of sunblock.

i would only use suntan lotion even though i'd be out in the sun the whole day, and then even though on all those occasions i end up with a really bad burnt and subsequent horrifying facial peel, it never occured to me i should've used sunblock instead. i had this notion that:

suntan oil = to tan
sunblock = to stay pale

and when i was in phuket, i applied additional layers of suntan oil. i believed that SPF on each layers stack so if one layer were 5 SPF, 2 would be 10.

without having to say, my theories were flatly burnt to a crisp. that was at least 4 years ago.

today, that thought just nudged its way into my head and then in a moment of lucidity, i realised that suntan lotion should only be used to get a quick tan if i don't intend on staying in the sun the whole day. maybe say 2 hours max. if i intend on staying in the sun the whole day, i should use a higher SPF sunblock instead, so i get an eventual tan without the burn and peel.

tadah! no research whatsoever!!!

secondly, i now believe i'm an softcore exhibitionist. no, nudity in public is just not my thing. but i like to walk around naked at home when my parents arn't home. usually in the evenings, and i have a habit of turning all house lights on. of course, i stay in the highest floor so usually peeping neighbours arn't a problem, but my block is flanked on either sides by blocks that are just abit higher.

and i know there are at least 3 maids who like looking out the kitchen window that overlooks my kitchen when i'm in the kitchen. butt naked.

and i'm quite embarassed to say, i do quite shamelessly flaunt it.

but i stay clear of the other block and make sure my windows are closed because i know there's a horny old bastard that observed me throughout one time i brought.......someone home.

and he made sure i knew he was watching.

ugh. erase erase erase and rewind.

after 10 years of silly panic attacks and intense short-term depression,



i finally did it.

i'm not pregnant!!! :P