The Gingerbread Man

recently i started reading my old blog again and i realised that lately,

i seemed to have lost my sense of humour and creativity.

i need to find the spark again.

sparky! sparky! WHERE ARE YOU SPARKY!?

he described it as a string tied from his heart to mine and mine to his.

it is like a string.
it feels like the kind where two cups are attached on either ends and if you listen closely, you can hear what the other is saying.
its when you both say the same thing at the same time
or text the same message to each other simultaneously
without a breath inbetween.

is there really such a connection that exists?
the connection that grows as two souls entwine
such that no words need to be said to know what the other is saying and feeling?
why is this all so new to me?


*****


i came back from the airport in the morning
i believe my eyes were still red
because my mother asked if i were crying
and paused before she said
"danny, friendship is one thing........"

i didn't hear the rest.
my dear mother
you and i both know it is not just a friendship.
i hope there will be a day
you can grow to accept that.

i tried coxing once before. it was on a saturday with a full 22 man boat (inc. cox and coach) and i was scared shitless. in my head i'd rehearsed my lefts and rights a million times, but when i was at the helm, it all came out like the piss that nearly came out when within 10 seconds of launching, i had the boat beached again. gerry jokingly did a donald trump "YOU'RE FIRED!!!!" and i never dared to try it again.

so when i went for a quiet thursday practice and ken suggested i try coxing again, i was very hesitant. SDBA is going to conduct a helmsman course and we were talking about it, and he suggested i try because the boat was relatively empty with only 12 persons so it'd be easier to manage. and since we were already out in the kallang basin, there was very little chance of me beaching the boat in 10 seconds.

i said yes.

my god. i still couldn't get my lefts and rights correct and i got the boat and my heart zig zagging for a good  2 minutes before i realised i didn't have to paddle the rudder to make it turn. i just needed to swing it in the opposite direction i wanted the boat to go in instead of paddling it in the direction i wanted it to go. i eventually got the hang of it and it was all smooth sailing! i even managed to do a perfect parallel beach parking.

some things may appear insurmountable for many reasons, for me it's the fear of embarassment and crashing the boat because of a very bad first experience. but once you get over it, you'll realise that if you don't take the first step, you'll never get anywhere in that direction :)

so get over yourself, don't think and take that first step.

its the end of the hungry ghost festival season now and many people are burning their offerings. everywhere you go, there's ash and smoke.

even in my house. and i live on the 12th floor. whenever these people burn whatever it is they burn, the smoke and ash will fly all the way up and into my house, into my bedroom, into my toi-fucking-lets.

the last time there was two simultaneous burning, and both were directly at the lawn beneath where my room was. i got so frustrated i took a giant pail of water and dumped it down. there was alot of cursing and swearing after that.

this time i was fortunate enough to be walking home when i noticed a woman burning offering at that spot. i walked on by with a fire building inside as blazing hot as the fire in the bin right behind me. i turned around and approached the woman.

D: hi, i'd like to let you know something. whenever you burn your offering, the smoke and ash flies all the way into my house and i have to close all my windows if not the ash will be everywhere in my house.

i think she was taken aback because she didn't immediately reply but instead averted my gaze and grappled at the hell notes she had in her hands in about the same fashion she was trying to grapple words to speak with.

Woman: the smoke and ash also flies into my house. we do it every year. just clean up afterwards lor.

D: i live on the 12th floor. i get the bulk of  all your ash. look, i respect your tradition but it's becoming a nuisance for people who live above where you're burning. could you maybe burn it elsewhere, like at the side of the block there next time?

Woman: you go and tell the other people lor. i'm not the only one burning it here.

D: i understand. but i hope you'll be at least more receptive to the idea of courtesy. not everyone appreciates what you're doing and i'm one of them.

Woman: i dunno lor. it's tradition. every year this time we'll burn. i'm not the only one burning it you go and tell them lor. sorry.

I walked off. she was obviously just ANOTHER ONE OF THEM. robots. i called the police and lodged a complaint instead. maybe they can do something about it. my complaint was forwarded to the town council.

i will call the town council again if the matter is not resolved but if nothing is done, i might just have to rain on their parade myself.

he said he had a present for me
and that he had a girl friend flying in from taipei who will deliver it.
i said i couldn't, because i intended to go for land training that evening with SPC.
he said she couldn't meet me any of the other four days she'd be in singapore because she would be busy.
i relented, and said i'd go and pick her up and skip my training for it.
he said her name was 魚 (Yu-fish)
and that i'd know who she is because she'd remind me of him.

he had earlier asked me to be his boyfriend.
but i had a lot of reservations because i didn't think i could survive the hardship of long distance relationships.
i told him i really wished i could say yes at the top of my head but i didn't want to jump headfirst into another relationship without thinking
i was done with 1 year long fiascos.
i wanted something real and concrete.
good lord, i need the grounding so badly.
but in my heart, i already know what my answer was.
i smiled. i still needed to think about it.

came the next day and i arrived at the airport a little to early.
i suppose i was eager, i couldn't wait to see and touch something he'd seen and touch only less than a day ago-
the week had been long without him.

slowly, they ambled out with their trolley carts.
i didn't have a clue who i was looking for.
i could only wait while my heart kept beating faster.
i couldn't stand still, i couldn't sit still
and then my heart stopped a beat.
i saw something i recognized.

a pouch and a big bag lug over his shoulders that pulled at his t-shirt and accentuated his bloody pecs.
he had a little bag in his left hand
and his handphone in his right.
he didn't see me and he walked off toward the chairs, and started punching on his handphone.
i walked slowly toward him from behind where he sat
and i squatted down next to him and looked up.
he saw me and his eyes softened.
i smiled at him
"魚....?"

he gave me himself as a present
and he broke the walls around my heart.

i came home after a night out at tabs and found myself unable to sleep, for very strange reasons.
insomnia, i thought.
maybe it's because recently i picked up a cigarette or two....or three.
or maybe because for some stupid reason, i decided to play one game of dota after a long, long haitus.

but i found myself staring into a rapidly dawning sky. it looked like the sun would be out.
i found myself thinking about all the conversations i had recently about lets say.... a hypothetical situation where i would have to be relocated out of the country for an extended period of time. work... study.....?
and then everything started centering on ché.

if i were to be relocated, what will happen to her?
my parents have already proclaimed they do not want her in the house if i should go.
would she be able to go to where i would hypothetically be going? i hear there's a 6 month quarantine period for foreign dogs... i don't know if i/she could live with that.
would i have the courage to give her away? i suppose i do have some friends who i have confidence in taking good care of her. but the question now is, let's say i would hypothetically be relocated for a period of 3 years, and that friend would have to take care of her for 3 years.. wouldn't that already be some sort of unspoken change in ownership? can i bear to part with her? would they be able to part with her after 3 years?

my dear ché. other than the family, you are the one other element that grounds me to this heaviness of this world.
you steal my food and run away when you see me;
you sleep on my bed and enfurry it senseless when i'm not at home;
you lick me in the morning with your HORRENDOUS MORNING BREATH;
you think you're an F1 racer and i'm a kite;
you make my mother frustrate so endearingly.
you ah, you can be a real chao cheebye sometimes, but you have been nothing but the mostest sweetest baby. my baby.

:)

i loveyouloveyouloveyou you stupid bitch.

my heart is equally heavy and i do not know what decision i could make that would be the best for both of us.
i do not know if i can make the decision to leave without you.
my dear ché, i wish you could talk.
then you could tell me what i should do.



:(

so, kevjn came back from the middle east for a two-odd month break from work and we decided to go eat at fish & co. with the parental units.

convo progressed over food and eventually shifted toward the paternal unit and about his recent visit to the hospital to check up on why he had been feeling faint. the doctor had examined him, probed him and came to the conclusion that he has an enlarged prostate. he started talking about how he had been having issues with his urinary tract after that probing session and wonders if that could've caused more problems with his prostate.

and then the convo digressed into "Prostate: The Who What Where When & Why?"

in my now obviously infinitesimal wisdom, i blurted out: "oh the prostate's not as far in as you'd imagine. it's only about 2/3rd of an index finger into your anus." and then i stuck up my index finger for good measure.

my mother agreed.

"i mean, i should know. i've fingered myself on many occasions."

i ALMOST blurted out for effect to solidify my case until i realised i was addressing my mother.

i smiled it silent and ate a fry as the conversation continued.

quote of the day

"It's such a shame, he was doing well until... he wasn't."

-olympics commentator for channel 5

so, some korean guy started chatting me up.

Dad: Wah what's that on your head?? Arrowhead signs? (Good-natured Laugh) Funky Monkey ah you!

An hour later while i was eating breakfast, he comes home from doing the grocery

Dad: Where you go and cut one, got three arrows... one, two and three.

I look at my dad, while still chewing bread.

Dad: Like Apache liddat one.

He does a one-foot hopping what-i-presume-was-an-apache-tribal-dance and a hand holding an invisible spear.

Dad: Chuka-Chuka-chuka!

I nearly laughed the food out my mouth, and then he just walked off.

the deep rumbling got louder
and within seconds, i found myself unable to tear my gaze of
what seemed to be the eye of the most fantastic epic battle
the battle-cries filled the air with an ominous, thunderous roar
weapons gleamed in the setting sun, like diamonds lost in the sea
swords and shields connect with claws and carapace
they tear deep across, leaving gashing rips in the aural fabric

from my vantage point, the forefront of the battle was of the Grey Sludge
overwhelming the angelic hosts of the Peach Cumuli Battalion
the Grey Sludge rolling in from the Distant East like The Vast Reanimated
faceless, nameless, heartless and mindless
rushing into the frey to overwhelm by numbers. 

And overwhelmed, the angelic hosts of the Peach Cumuli Battalion was
consumed like a butterfly in the path of a throng of black ants
the benign kings watching the battle from afar the Western Horizon
astride the Crimson Magenta Cumuli Reserves
with bated breaths, unwavering observance and almost a shudder.

it seemed hope was lost for the Sunshine Sovereign
but what is this? Lo and Behold, from within the purest silence
a light broke forth and the Grey Sludge was Turned!
the pelting rains held their assault
and there they were, in all their glory,
emerged the Peach Cumuli Battalion
they dazzled brighter than before
but only for as long as the dusk sky would allow it
a lighter rain began falling,
over the mist that covered the broken bodies of the The Vast Reanimated
and the Sludge that flowed into the earth
the peace is restored
the silence welcoming

it was an incredible display
of warfare and comradeship
of honour and glory
of light in its eternal crusade against darkness
of hopes and dreams for generations and generations to come!

they would've liked to think
their sacrifices meant something.

but soon all traces of this epic battle would've disappeared
not many would've remember it happened
not many would've cared in the first place
drinking their steaming mug of tea (camomile)
and reading a book by the window
as they hear the comforting roar
that made them feel safe and warm inside

alas these brave, brave soldiers
what did they fight for, then?
what swordsmanship?
what comradeship?
what honour?
what glory?
what crusade?

pointless dramatics
bathroom rehearsals
mirror acting
"oh, yeah fucked up my plans lor, the rain last night."

waste of time.

你真的讓我很自在。
我不用說什么話
因為你已經打到了我想說的話
從這里我不知道哪一個路要走
我只知道對你有一種特別的感覺。
真的很特別。

i got caught in the lift with a noisy little girl, her kid brother and their father.

Father: *preoccupied with reading letters and junkmail*

Noisy Little Girl: oei

Kid: hehe

Noisy Little Girl: come say after me

Kid: hehe

Noisy Little Girl: say after me la. I

Kid: I

Noisy Little Girl: AM A

Kid: AM A

Noisy Little Girl: STUPID

Kid: STUPID

Noisy Little Girl: I

Kid: I

Noisy Little Girl: AM A

Kid: AM

Noisy Little Girl: BEN DAN

Kid: BEN DAN

Noisy Little Girl: Say! I AM A STUPID AND A BEN DAN!

Kid: I AM A STUUUPEED AN A PERN DARR! *almost drooling*

Noisy Little Girl: HAHAHHAH!

Kid: *looks on mouth open in smiley fascination*

Father: *Still preoccupied with reading letters and junkmail*

it's my 11th year anniversary......

i can't sleep. i'm staring at the papers right in my face. am i making a terrible mistake by going for it? should i just not think and go for it? what should i do?

:(

i need to think. i need some wisdomatical enwisening now.

i walked out of the kitchen this evening right after my father, with a very appetizing ham&egg sandwich in my hands when

my father farted.

the loud, vibrating kind.

i went AIYO!

he turned back looked at me with the most mischievous smile and did a perfect impression of 'heir heir heir heir heir heir heir' with his hand rubbing his tummy.

i think now i know where i got that habit from. :)

there was something about today that was especially beautiful, and i wasn't the only one to notice it.

like how for most part of the day, the sky was a cloudless blue and the sun had full reign and authority to blast its rays everywhere.
like how the rain suddenly came and went, leaving behind an evening that was p e r f e c t to take a stroll in. it was very characteristically un-singaporean--breezy cool and not humid at all. which led to an ayam penyet dinner with D followed by drinks and nonsensical nothings with the usual suspectelles.

i was feeling rather glitchy throughout, though, if glitchy even began to describe how i felt.
i was in the mood to let myself go listening to emo-rock music.
i was in the mood to drift off into the wavygravies of soft tealights.
i think actually, i was in the mood for LOVE.
i know that because for most of the whole day, i caught myself smiling at ideas and laughing at imaginations.
and i mean full-blown lock-up-in-straight-jacket type.

these diarrhoeic crusaders of the heart!
the important question is, how much attachment is good attachment?
not enough to be horribly wrenched apart like a chained bumper from an accelerating car
yet, enough to give it an unconditional purpose and for most parts, irrational smiling?

480%

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

1. You're really upset. Who is the first person you call to vent to?
i try not to call anyone. instead i scream my head off and start beating inanimate objects until my knuckles go numb. and when i get some feeling back in them, i feel humbled, stupid and in horrible pain...... then all is well again.

2. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
no. if the feeling is not mutual, having to break it gently to him would be a necessary evil i could do without.

3. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
yes it does i love the taste.

4. Can you do the splits?
no.

5. Do you get along better with guys or girls?
i get along better with girls.

6. Last person you texted?
aj

7. Do you like shows like Forensic Files and Unsolved Mysteries?
not particularly. but then, not particularly not as well. aiyer i donch watch teevee lah!

8. Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
before i sleep.

9. List person you were best friends with in 6th grade?
ronald kee, damien tan.

10. Name the best people who could cheer you up:--
ché above the rest. but my sister is a close second!

11. Have you been to New York City?
yes.

12. Who is the last person you added to your contacts list in your phone?
a 'david'

13. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
no, i don't wear jewelry.

14. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
aj

15. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
dozens.

16. Heard any really great quotes lately?
i was just reading a dozen quotes off a page today but none stood out in the oil slick that is my mind. die la.

17. Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
i don't think i am that significant.

18. MySpace or Facebook?
facebook

19. Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
peihua kindergarten.

20. Have you ever tattooed anyones name on you?
no

21. Whys your number one on MySpace number one?
i don't use myspace but if he's number one then a million pork roasts for him!

22. What is the name of your siblings best friend?
fergurson.

23. What's the most appealing thing about the opposite sex?
they can talk, they can listen, they can process information, they can hug, they can laugh WITH you and they're generally more fun to be around. when my testosterones arnt peaking.

24. Which year has been the best so far?
2008.

25. Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?
yes i have.

26. Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?
yes. although i wish it werent so.

27. Last time you smiled!
less than 10 minutes ago i presume :)

28. Last text message in your inbox?
uhmmmmm. good night message and i'm putting it nicely.

29. When is your next road trip?
when the time, money & people are right.

30. Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
i would be quite a celebrity i'd say.

31. Where is your phone?
next to me.

32. Do you think your current pets will be alive ten years from now?
i hope she would be and very alive and kicking still!! :):)

33. When was your last bubble bath?
i misssssssss bubblies!!!!!!!!!!

34. Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis?
friend of a friend.

5.Where is your pet right now?
about 10metres away staring at me.

37. What color phone do you have?
black and chrome.

38. How many kids do you want to have?
two. if i can ever get them.

39. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
yellow singlet, navy blue shorts and nothing else underneath.

40. What color are your eyes?
black.

41. What are you doing tomorrow?
catalogue perusals and town painting.

42. Do you know someone who likes you?
more than i care to know.

43. Does a heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?
i wouldn't know. my hearts very heavily protected.

44. What color is your hair?
black. my goatee's got some red and blonde too!

45. What would you rather be doing?
i'd rather be on an endless adventure. with a whole buncha hot horny hunks.

46. What is the closest blue object to you?
eclipse winterfrost mints!

47. Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?
nooooooooooo :(

48. Do you have a lot of guy friends?
yes i do but i don't know half their names......

49. Have you ever been in handcuffs?
not for any serious reasons. he he he

50. If you could say anything to any one person what would it be?
wanna fuck?